Last time, I mentioned that I might have been 10 while writing this book. I have no idea, actually (You'll notice as we go on that I never ever know the exact dates/ages of anything that happened in the past. I don't even know generally when they happened. I'm a really oblivious person), so we'll say that 10 is close enough.
I upgraded my writing medium from a tear-away notepad to a spiral-bound memo booklet. I was moving up in the world, clearly.
This book was about Chris, a girl who was bored in the summer, tried to read a book, and was whisked off to a magical land. Actually, she was "wisked off to a mystical land," to quote myself.
Now, this story starts off with a prologue that might technically be an epilogue, because it describes an event that happens two weeks after the story is finished. It's--........................
*Pauses, thinks long and hard*
You know what? I'm going to give you the whole story verbatim (I love that word). It's not THAT long, I don't think, and might even take less time than outlining each chapter for you (but maybe not). I'll still give commentary, of course. ;D I'm not even gonna touch on all the spelling/grammar mistakes, though. Eeesh.
"The crowd goes wild!"
"The crowd goes wild, and...Hey!" Chris erased furiously "I keep writing what the announcer says." Chris was at a baseball game. She didn't really want to be there, but she had to be. Oh, how she longed to be with her friends. And not her human ones, either. You see, two weeks earlier, Chris had been wisked away to the mystical land of Tanthona. If you want, I'll show you. Ready? Let's go! (Woah. Do you like how I broke the fourth wall, there?)
"Mom!" Chris whined. "I'm bored!"
It was a very hot day in the middle of July. The heat was making everyone cranky.
"Read a book!" her mom shouted crossly.
Chris marched over to her bookshelf and pulled out a book. "Magical Lands." she read. "Hmph!" Chris was very practical and did NOT believe in magic, mermaids, or monsters (First of all, nice alliteration, younger me. Second, I must question why you have this book if you dislike magic so much). But something drew her to go through it to see if there were any new word that she could use in her books.
You see (broke the fourth wall, again), practical as she was, Chris loved to write storys (non-fiction, of course! For, she wasn't good at coming up with people that never existed or events that never happened). Along with being practical and loving to write, Chris was very pretty. She had long blonde hair, fair skin, long legs, and a slender figire (this, children, is what we call "info dumping." Also, younger me apparently loved stereotypical heroines. Sorry).
Well, she took the book over to her bed and sat down with it. Opening it at random, she came to a page titled Tanthona. Under the title was a pictur of unicorns, fairys, what looked like a deer on fire (EXCUSE ME WHAT IS THIS MORBIDNESS), and birds who blended in with the backround. The page read, "The land of Tanthona is inhabited with many creatures such as unicorns, fairies, cloak-birds, and flame-deer (Wow. WAAOOOOOW. The creativity of these names blows me away.). Unfortunately, the land is overrun with hobgoblins and the horrible blood seekers. Only the heir to the throne can save the land of Tanthona from evil Lord Rashkan. To do this she must use courage, skill and cleverness." (I will give you exactly ONE GUESS as to who the "heir" is. Times up, it's Chris.)
But Chris didn't have time to read anymore. For suddenly, a searing pain, like fire, ripped through her hands. The pain spread up her arms and consumed her whole body. And then, Chris' whole world went black. (Good heavens, that escalated quickly!)
A few minutes later, Chris awoke, gasping for air. Chris gasped even more when she found that the air tasted like peppermint! Did it smell like it, too? (Yes, scents are what you should be concerned with right now) Chris inhaled deeply.. Not peppermint, but cinnimon! (not only does that sound like a gross combination, but it seems like it would get real old, real fast.)
Chris looked around. "Where am I?" she wondered.
A few feet away was a rushing river. Behind the river, Chris saw a forest. Next to it was a sign. It read:
NORTH FOREST ^
Choc Town <-
Breaking Bridge <-
Breaking Bridge? Chris didn't like the sound of that! "I hope I don't have to cross it to reach the town. But if I do, then I will. Well, better get a move on." (Yes, you do that. This is no time to be concerned with things like where you are, how you got there, or how you'll get home. You're too practical for that, right?) With that, Chris started on her way.
Just across the river lay the town. But to get to it, Chris had to cross, "Breaking Bridge." Chris moanged miserably (MOANGED?!? WHAT THE HECK IS A MOANG??). "Ok," she told herself. "I'll just run for it." she stepped closer to the bridge. There was a cracking noise. The bridge was breaking and she wasn't even on it! Chris stepped back quickly. The noise stopped and bridge healed itself. "Great" Chris thought how am I supposed to cross this bridge when it won't let me get near it?" (more importantly, why aren't you freaking out over this bridge that seems PRETTY DARN MAGICAL??)
Thats when Chris noticed a rope and grappling hook. "How did that get there?" Chris wondered (Grappling-hook ex machina, that's how). The tree branch on the tree on the little island in the water gave Chris an idea (and it gave me an aneurysm). She swung the rope and hook around and around and then let it fly. It wrapped itself around the tree branch. Chris tugged the rope. It held!
Chris, still holding the rope, backed up, ran, and jumped. In mid-swing, a bird, like the one in the book, flew overhead. With it's sharp beak, it cut the rope! Chris went plunging to the rocks below!
"AAHH!" Chris screamed. A lower branch hit Chris which thankfully directed her fall onto dry ground. Chris lay there, groaning the cloak bird who cut the bird landed beside her and began a brisk explanation (please explain that sentence to me instead, bird.).
"Oh, deary me! I'm so sorry! I didn't see the rope till the last minute and then it was too late and-"
"You can...talk?!?" Chris asked.
"Why, of course." said the bird, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. "By the way, my name is Pendaluck."
Chris could tell by Pendaluck's voice that she was a girl (you can't just make ASSUMPTIONS like that, Chris!). "O-K...Pekalo, could you..."
"Pendaluck. could you tell me were I am?" Chris asked.
"You're in the land of Tanthona." Pendaluck replied.
"Tanthona! So that book did take me to a magical land!" Chris exclaimed. (She's so UNBELIEVABLY receptive to all this) Pendaluck looked confused. "Let's walk to the town together." Chris said. "I'll explain everything on the way."
"OK!" Pendaluck chirped.
"Wow!" Pendaluck said in awe. "Kidnapped by a book!"
"Yea," laughed Chris. "Kind of crazy, huh?"
"Well, maybe a litte, okay, a lot to humans, but magic is what this land is made of. Ah, here we are! Choc Town!" Pendaluck chirped.
They walked up to the gate. Chris half-expected the gate to be made of chocolate, but it was only painted brown. Inside, Chris got a surprise. The town looked a lot like her hometown. It even had a little one-room school-house! (Ok, I can explain. Younger me was obsessed with these books:
and so small towns/old-fashioned ways of living were very interesting to me. So, even though my "book" took place in the modern day....I don't know, I just wanted a tiny schoolhouse, I guess.)
There were lots of houses and shops, and people went about their daily business. They passed by a park. There was green grass everywhere. Pendaluck said that here they use chocolate for money! (Hence the name.) (No, that's not me making a quip. That was literally in the book) But no one was playing. No one in the town looked happy. In fact, they looked scared.
"Psst." she wishpered to Pendaluck. "Why isn't anyone happy?"
Pendaluck motioned for Chris to follow her into an alley (don't follow strangers into alleys, kids. That's a BAAAAAD idea). "The evil ruler of these lands, Lord Rashkan, is taxing these people like you wouldn't believe." (Holy cow, young me knew about taxes, astounding) Pendaluck said. "They can't earn a penny without having to give it to him. It's a good thing these people are farmers, or they would starve."
"That is AWFUL!" Chris exclaimed. "Someone should do something."
"Yes." Pendaluck agreed sadly." But only the heir to the throne has the power to wield the Sword of the Dragons." (I was also obsessed with dragons, fyi)
"What's that?" Chris asked.
"A magic sword, handed down, from generation to generation." Pendaluck replied "And, being magic, only the right person can use it."
"Who is it? Who is the heir?"
"I can't tell you." said Pendaluck. "The fairy queen can help you. She's magic. (No DUH). She can warp people." Perkasto chirped happily (YES, let's just CHANGE HER NAME in the middle of the story! That's a normal thing to do! Also, what a rude and sudden change of subject. Is the fairy queen going to tell her who the heir is, or will she just warp her home? Heavens.).
"Well, let's GO!" Chris exclaimed.
"Alrighty then. Follow me!" Perkasto said. She started off through the "South Gate", as she called it, and began down a silver road, sprinkled with gold dust (Um, how has the evil lord not dug this road up for himself? Or at least, how have the citizens not dug it up to appease him and his tax? WHY DOES THE EVIL LORD ACCEPT CHOCOLATE CURRENCY??? This entire town is a literary crime) Far in the distance, Chris could see the outline of a castle. Chris got excited. Soon she would be home! (yes, forget these poor starving people and this wondrous magical land you've found yourself in. Let's just go home and be bored again.)
They rang the bell, and a guard appeared. "Who are you and what is your business here?" He asked sharply.
"It's me, Mike, Perkasto!" (Mike?!?) Perkasto said with a laugh. "Don't you recognize me?"
"Perkasto! It's been a while. Come, the queen is expecting you." (What? How???) He opened the gate and led them toward the castle.
"Two questions." Chris asked Perkasto. "How does he know you, and why is the queen expecting us?" (Hey, Chris is smarter than I gave her credit for.)
Perkasto smiled. "Oh it's nothing really." she said. "sometimes I clean here, that's all." (What? WHAT?? "sometimes you clean here"??? What are you, bird woman, a part-time castle maid? And why do I feel like something's UP with you and "Mike"? And aren't you going to answer the other question?!?!?!)
"oh." said Chris.
They followed Mike down a looong walkway. "Prepare yourself," Mike said, "to be AMAZED!" and he flung the doors open. Chris gasped.
That's it. That's all I wrote. It was a bit longer than I remembered it being, but it was just as stupid. XD Haha you may think, from my sarcastic comments, that I hated every minute of this, but it was actually SO MUCH FUN to look back at this little booklet and laugh at myself. I had a grand old time, and I'm looking forward to doing the next one. ;D
What about you? Do you provide biting commentary when you look back at your old works, or do you just giggle affectionately at them?