Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Book List - Philip and the Missing Artifact

Once upon a time when I was of an indeterminate age but probably around 12, my parents got me a book from the library. I mean, we were always going to the library and getting books, but this was one specific book that I had no part in selecting. It was a book on how to make a book! And I do mean "make." Construction paper cover, you know. But anyway, it also told how to plot a story and whatnot.

However, the WAY it told you (the kid, because it was a book targeted at kids) to plot, was to make a sort of comic strip, with one general scene idea in each box. Mine looked like this:

So, I had a general idea of the story. Great! That's more than I normally have. But so wrapped up was I in the smaller details of "making" a book, that I didn't actually form any sort of story in my mind beyond what I drew for the comic-strip-plot. In fact, when I came to the part of the book that said, "Ok! Now write your story!" I was like, " mean I have to do WORK?"

What I'm trying to say is.....This story was a half-hearted attempt at best. And HEAVENS ABOVE, does it show. This story, though completed, might actually be worse than the last one.

What the first page looks like....yeah.

...Welp, enjoy!

Hey look, the chapters have titles again!

Chapter 1: Philip
Chapter 2: The Search
No, wait, sorry. Chapters 3 -6 are untitled. Bummer.

Before we start reading our story, I have to point this out.

Philip is an archaeologist. That's what this story is about, archaeologists. LOOK AT HIS HAIR. LOOK AT IT. WHAT KIND OF ARCHAEOLOGIST HAS HAIR SO OBNOXIOUSLY IMPRACTICAL?? And apparently, this idiot is 18. EIGHTEEN!! To be fair to myself, I can see on my comic-page that the '1' used to be a '2', so at least 28 had seemed like an appropriate age at some point. Still a bit young, I think, but way better than 18, which apparently seemed quite old and adult-ish to little 12-year-old me.

Anyway, on to the chapters! I actually really enjoyed typing it all out last time, and this story is just too ridiculous NOT to write down word-for-word, so I'll do that again, if you don't mind. ;) If you DO mind.....sorry not sorry! ^.^

Chapter 1: Philip

Philip was a young archeologist. he was 18. He was a nice boy and had black hair, but he could get very serious at times, but that couldn't change the fact that he was sloppy! (Ah, second sentence, and I'm already not making sense! That must be a record for me. Yay me. Yay records.) Work at the dig made him strong and athletic, and he loved it, but he was quiet, too. (THESE SENTENCES DO NOT FIT TOGETHER WITH ANY LOGICAL SENSE!)

     One day around 8:00, Philip was carefully digging around a bone fragment when a shout came from the house where the artifacts were stored. Tom, Philips best friend, came running out. 
"Proffessor!" he shouted "A tablet has been stolen!" 
"What!!!" (get ready for this, this is the best name in the history of names:) Proffessor Mcgiggins came running out of the house. (they built a legit house near this dig site? Now that's dedication!) "Impossible!" he said

"Its true, sir." Tom said gasping for breath.

      Now, Tom was known for his silliness. He was always cracking jokes. But now he was not kidding. his face was white and sweat was rolling off him. He held a peice of shattered glass in his hand. (Dun dun DUNNNNN!!! Also, according to an illustration of mine, Professor Mcgiggins wears a monocle. Because that's what professors DO.)

Chapter 2: The Search

30 min later, everyone had finally started to calm down. (IT TOOK THEM A FULL HALF HOUR TO COLLECT THEMSELVES?? DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR A THIEF COULD GET IN HALF AN HOUR? NO? Neither do I, but it's probably pretty far!) Prof. Mcgiggins made an announcment. 
"We must send out a search party. Tom, Philip, & Brenda. you will go out in search of the tablet. The rest of you will take turns watching the other artifacts. Thats all I have to say" (Yes, let's send three teenagers out alone to go after the thief, and not call the police. Police are the last thing we want.) 

"Brenda" Philip thought She was brave, bold, picky, populour, and bossy! She had golden-red hair that glowed like fire and flowed like water. (I gagged when I read this sentence, I really did. That is the most disgustingly cheesy line ever written by anyone.) She had good traits, Phil just couldn't think of any (you CROSSED OUT her good traits!!!)

     By 9:00 they started there journey. (Ah, it only took them another HALF HOUR after Mcgiggin's announcement to get started, I see. Good, they're making fabulous time, then.) Brenda, of course, took the lead.

"It's like she live inside a circle were only perfect people can enter" Tom whispered

"Yea" Philip replied "they'll let anyone be an archeologist these days!" (oh, snap.)

Brenda didn't seem to hear she just flounced ahead of them. "Caves" she said suddenly "Eeeww!" (WHY IS THIS GIRL AN ARCHAEOLOGIST??) 

Philip rolled his eyes. "come on" he said. "lets inspect them"

Philip & Tom went in Brenda reluctanly followed them. It was dark and they couldn't really see wear they were going. There was a strange red glow up ahead. Philip rushed to investigate.

"Phil-!" Tom began to warn him, but his caution came too late.

"AAAHHH!" Philip screamed

Tom & Brenda rushed to look. Philip was hanging by 1 hand over a pit of lava! (Oh, you think that's stupidly sudden? Just wait. We're not done yet!)

Chapter 3

"" Philip gasped.

Tom & Brenda rushed around, looking for something to pull him up with. Tom found an old rope. (What is it with young me and having really convenient rope?) They lowered it to Philip

"Grab on!" Tom shouted. Philip managed to grab it just as his hand slipped off the edge. Tom & Brenda (yes even Brenda!) (yes, that was in the book) used all their strength to haul Philip up out of the pit.

"TH-Thanks!" Philip stuttered.

Just then Brenda said. "Hey look over there! It's, like, a bag. (Is this girl a walking stereotype, or what?)

The trio went over to look

"Dont touch that!" someone said from behind them

Philip, Tom & Brenda turned. Behind them was a masked man, with the tablet! But he was also holding a gun! (If he's got his gun AND the tablet with him.....what's in the bag?? And why is he hiding out in lava caves? Especially ones that are like five minutes away from camp? You've had an HOUR to get away, dude!!) Without thinking Philip snatched a loose stone off the wall and tossed it. (So he gave it a gentle underhand throw, did he?) The gun was knocked out of the theifs hand and into the lava. (Oh, well at least the lava came in handy.) The thief started to run.

"Quickly!" Philip shouted. "after him!"

and the race was on!

Chapter 4

the theif ran out of the caves and toward the forest. Philip, Tom, & Brenda followed. But, in high heels, Brenda couldn't run very well. She tripped on a small log and fell in the dirt. (BRENDA YOU USELESS LUMP.) Phillip stopped and helped her up while Tom watched the theif. (TOM YOU USELESS LUMP.) then, they started after him again. after a couple of min they caught up. the trees where the were formed an impassible wall. The theif was trapped! They tied him up with the old rope (Oh look! Even the old rope came in handy!) and took him back to camp. 

     A little while later, Prof. Mcgiggins called everyone together to see who the masked theif was. (What, everyone didn't come running as soon as they entered camp? And "a little while later"? Why wait?) Prof. pulled off the mask.

"BOB!?!" Everyone exclaimed. there were all very surprised. He was the milkman! (I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THIS!! First of all; a milkman?? That's a little 50's, dontcha think? Though that might explain why Brenda was wearing high heels while doing physical labor, but not why she was an archaeologist and doing physical labor. Second; WE HAVE NEVER MET THIS PERSON. WE'VE NEVER SEEN THIS PERSON. WE'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM. You can't just DO that, younger me!!!) 

Chapter 5

"That's right" Bob said "I planned to sell that stupid tablet. I would have made millions!" You know, being a milkman doesn't pay very well."

"Oh, Yeah?" Tom said "well neither does being a criminal!"

Everybody laughed. (I am fairly certain this entire story could be a ScoobyDoo episode if you put a big dog and a psychedelic van in it. Especially this ending, yeesh.)

"Come on." Prof. Mcgiggins said "lets have a celebration! After we phone the police, of course." (Oh NOWWW you're gonna call the police! Goooooood......)

20 min later Bob was in jail and the cake was being served. (Apparently I had not learned anything about police procedure since the Matthew Squeakly debacle.) after the cake, Brenda came up to Philip and Tom "Thanks for helping me back there." she said

"No" Philip said "Thanks for helping me!"

Brenda smiled, then walked away. (....soooo are you guys friends now, or...?)

Chapter 6

The next day, everything was back to normal. Everyone was digging. The only thing that was 'not normal', as Tom put it, (yes, because that is such an unusual way to phrase things.) was that Brenda was getting dirt and, (believe it or not!) being nice! work at the dig was the same as it had always been, (No! It's not! You JUST SAID that some things were different!!) but Philip would never forget his adventure of a lifetime. (the adventure that only took two and a half hours to complete, including the HOUR it took you to leave camp after the tablet was discovered missing.)


Ta da! The end! Wasn't that just, um, painful. I didn't remember sucking so badly at punctuation and capitalization. Oh well. Hopefully you could still read it! Sadly (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), not every "Book List" post will be as long as this one. For some stories, I only have one or two sentences, or only a vague recollection of, "maybe there was a story there once?" And when I come to my longer stories, I'll just summarize. ;D

I love typing these things out/summarizing them for you guys! What about you? Would you ever bare your old works for all to see? Or have you already done that?


  1. Your right, it did feel like a Scooby-Doo episode. Fortunately, I think your attitude makes up for the old writing with your reactions to it. IT IS HILARIOUS. And I love that. I feel like I should do this, but I don't know if I have any old writing to do it to. Ah, well. I enjoy yours!

    1. Lol well, to be fair to myself, I DID love Scooby Doo a lot when I was younger (who am I kidding, I still do!), so I guess it influenced my work...? XD Haha thank you! And aww, that's too bad! I always love reading other people's old works, or really anything written by a small child. It never fails to be entertaining. ;D

    2. As a fan of both Scooby Doo and your writing, I quite enjoyed this. Loved your comments. I have been doing something of the same, as I edit a book I wrote when I was around twelve. It's full of really flowery description, because I was a Tolkien fan. It's horrible :)

    3. Haha thanks!
      Is it on your blog, that we might see it? ;) And I love how you're editing it to suit your standards of excellence. I just leave mine to sit there so I can laugh at them. XD

  2. I get so excited when you do these, they never disappoint! I am laughing so hard. BOB THE MILKMAN. I almost died, that was the greatest. XD And "Proffessor Mcgiggins"!!! That is SO the best name in the universe.

    You commentary is just the best. Thanks for sharing!

    1. WOOT!! :D Thank you! I get pretty excited, myself. X) hahaha! Ah, good ol' Professor Mcgiggins. When I first rediscovered this story in a box of old papers, I fell into a fit of laughter when I read his name. I'd totally forgotten about that!! XD

      Hehe np! Stay tuned for more! ;D

  3. Holy cow, this is the best! Your story (and especially your commentary) kept me laughing the whole time! :P The part about Bob was probably my favorite. Haha, awesome story, Rachel!

    Also, I tagged you for The Tag of Happiness. Here's the link if you want to check it out:
    Have a lovely day! :P

    1. Lol thanks!! :D

      Awesome! I'll definitely do that! It may not go up for a while....but it'll go up! :D